


What's my name, man ?

by WoorEnergy



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Trans Character, Trans Thomas Jefferson, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-07 01:45:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14660745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoorEnergy/pseuds/WoorEnergy
Summary: Thomas had some struggles with his body- especially since his transition wasn't complete, just like a lot of transgender and nonbinary people. And these insecurities even followed him in his sleep.And then, he heard all these voices in his head, haunting him, chasing him, trying to kill him.He would never be able to be entierely free, and he knew it. He just had to survive for now.





	What's my name, man ?

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo as the tags said, there are mentions of transphobia at the very beginning of this fanfiction. Please be careful while reading it, or skip the first part if it's too much for you

He felt all the eyes turned towards him, watching all his movements.

He tried to ignore them anyway. It was just some eyes, right ? Not a big deal. Not at all.  
That wasn't like these eyes gave him the desire to die.

He kept walking and walking, he never stopped. He was getting tired very quickly, but he didn't care. He was willing to crawl, if it was a possibility to leave this place.

He began to hear some voices. _These_ voices. All around him, like an echo which was trapping him.

" _You're not natural_."

His entire body started to shake violently. Was it terror, disgust, or panic ? He didn't even know, but he knew for sure that he couldn't control it anymore.

 _"You need to be fixed._ "

He stopped walking ; his legs were weak and threatened to give up under his weight.

 _"You're born as a girl, you can't be a boy._ "

He fell on his knees. Each sentence that he was able to catch in all the noises was like a punch in the guts.

" _What's wrong with you, tranny ?_ "

He put a hand against his mouth, another on his stomach, hoping it would suppress the sudden urge to vomit.

" _You're not Thomas, I've known you for years as..._ "

As he kept his hand on his mouth, a single tear rolled on his cheek. Then another. And another. Over and over. It felt like they were drowning his face.  
He wanted to forget that damn name forever. He wanted to bury it as deep as possible in his memories, or better, to erase it from his mind.

" _You disgust me_."

He layed on the cold floor, and remained here- for how long ? Nobody knows, not even himself. He just wanted to be removed from the surface of this planet.

To be free from all that.

To disappear.

* * *

 

Thomas suddenly opened his eyes, as tears were still on his face ; he quickly wiped his wet cheek. His breathing was fast, loud, panicked. He wasn't totally sure of where he was yet, especially since his vision was still blurry.  
He firstly touched what was under his hand and recognized the blanket of his bed, warm and soft as usual.

His eyes finally managed to understand where he was ; the comforting light, the smell, the walls, everything was so familiar... It was definitely his room. So he relaxed a bit and closed his eyes for a moment.

He recognized every single voice that yelled at him in his nightmares. It was family's members, ex-friends, ex-lovers, even unknown people when he was still in school. His mind wasn't willing to forget all the awful things it had born in years of coming-out.

"Thomas ?"

When he heard his name, the Virginian couldn't help but sigh. He turned his head towards the voice and saw his beautiful but worried boyfriend's face- James, leaned next to him against the numerous pillows. He was still holding the book he was reading, but seemed totally uninterested about it right now.

Funny. Usually, Thomas was the one who stayed up late after James was asleep, but tonight, it seemed that things were different. The Virginian thought that next time, he'll make sure that his lover falls asleep before him.

He couldn't be seen that miserable, especially when it wasn't the first time he had to deal with this kind of problem.

"Thomas, why are you crying ? Did you have a bad dream ?" The shorter asked as he put his book away.

When Jefferson heard these words, the voices of his nightmares came back quickly in his mind, violent as a hurricane, and he suddenly felt a knock in his stomach. He had to vomit, he really had to, but his body refused to move ; he was still in the bed, grabbing at the blanket as hard as he could. His heart was pounding faster and faster, almost jumping out of his chest.

"Thomas, relax," Madison whispered as he tenderly took his hand, "I'm here, and I'm not gonna leave. Now breathe slowly, okay ?"

Thomas was still in the uncapacity to speak, but he wanted to comunicate with him so badly. To lie, to tell him that he was doing okay, that he didn't have to worry about him. But the words were stuck in his throat and didn't seem to reach his tongue.

So instead, he just nodded and gave James' hand a light squeeze. He gradually calmed down as he felt his boyfriend against him, talking to him, reminding him that " _everything's gonna be alright, I'm here with you_ ".  
The Virginian did as his friend told to him and simply breathed.

Breath in, breath out...

"Yes, that's it."

Breath in, breath out...

"You're doing great, Thomas."

Breath in, breath out...

"I'm so proud of you."

Breath in, breath out...

"There, there. I promise that I won't leave."

"I know," Thomas finally managed to speak, but his voice was still weak and shaky, like he was barely awake- which was kinda the case, "I know you won't do it."

"Good. Is there... Is there anything that I can do for now ?"

"Hug me. I wanna feel you."

Madison nodded and leaned next to his boyfriend, his head against his as he held him thight. Thomas sighed again and nuzzled his nose into the crook of James' neck.  
They didn't say anything for a while ; the shorter one guessed that his lover wasn't ready yet to talk about what was tormenting him. Or maybe he didn't want to talk at all, and just needed some comfort.  
He was there for whatever he needed anyway.

"James ?"

"Yes ?" James quickly answered.

"I'm a real boy, right ?"

James blinked for a moment, before releasing his grip on Jefferson to stare at him, straight in the eyes.

"Thomas," he said with a bit of sadness in his tone, "of course you're a real boy. You've always been a boy. What makes you think otherwise ?"

"My... My bad dream." He admitted, biting his bottom lip as his finger lightly tapped his temple. "They keep telling me that I'll always be a girl. I-I don't want to be a girl anymore, James !"

"And you'll never be a girl." Jefferson weakly smiled when he heard this. Madison leaned in and kissed his cheeks- still wet even if he stopped crying a couple of minutes ago. The attention made the Virginian feel a little better. "Unless you don't want to, you'll always be Thomas, no matter what. And I'm so proud of who you are."

"Thanks god." He whispered before trying to make a movement ; he lazily put a hand on James' cheek before nodding. The short man smiled back and leaned in ; his lips brievely touched Thomas' for a while, as he put his arm back around his waist.

"James, please, promise me, _please,_ " Jefferson interrupted the kiss with a disturbed expression painted on his face, "promise me that you're not gonna talk about this to anyone. Nobody must know."

"You mean about your bad dream ?" Thomas nodded. "Of course, I would never say anything to anyone."

"That's our secret, right ?"

"That's our secret." He agreed. "My lips will always be sealed as long as you'll want them to."

"Thank you." The tall man smiled and kissed his boyfriend for the second time in this evening. Madison's hands crawled under his shirt and gently rubbed his back as he sighed one more time. It was so comforting to feel his presence, to understand that he wasn't alone.

He didn't have to stay alone and let the voices consume him.

"Let's go back to sleep Tommy, I'll turn the lights off."

Eventually, the voices stopped screaming in his head. At least for tonight.


End file.
